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Emily's Story

Hello, my name is Emily, a little over a year ago I had a baby girl. Here's my story:

I had been going out with this guy for about 2 months when we began to think of having sex. I wasn't sure about it at first, "do I really love him?" "Does he really love me?" "Am I too young for sex?" "What if I get pregnant?" I said to myself, "oh please Emily, you'll never get pregnant things like that don't happen to girls like you." So, after about a month of talking about it we decided the time was right. We were both as ready as can be. I knew there would be no regrets, and it was perfect! We continued to have sex for about 3 weeks, protected everytime, sometimes even double wrapped.....only....one time....it broke. I still had no worries, what were the odds anyway? Until around the end of October 1998 when my period didn't come. I just figured "duh" probably just from having sex (I had read that can happen). Not worried I continued to have protected sex with my boyfriend until the next month when my period didn't come yet again. This was in November of '98. My mother began to get suspicious and made me take a home pregnancy test. Knowing the truth, I took it, don't ask me how but it came back negative (I don't think we waited long enough for the result). I was so relieved, and so was my boyfriend. We were scared out of our minds, praying day in and day out that this wasn't happening and that it was all some bad dream that we'd wake up from soon. Well, we didn't wake up and my boyfriend bit the bullet and bought a test at a drugstore. Not even a minute passed and there was a big red plus sign. Now we knew, there was no more denying it, I was pregnant. I had just turned 15 that January and here I was pregnant!! My mother has always been open to me. Left and right I'd hear, "if you ever need me, just to talk, I'm always here for you. " For some reason I felt I just couldn't go to her, she was having some problems of her own with my brother and stuff, so I felt this would just put her over the edge. My boyfriend thought his parents would just flip. Not to mention tell my parents, so I continued to hide my pregnancy in baggy pants and T-shirts.

The weeks turned into months and we were getting more scared by the day. I wanted so many times to go to my Mom or my aunts, who I was always very close with. I didn't know what they'd do. Tell my Mom for sure, so I continued to hide it. Dealing with feeling sick all the time in school and trying desperately not to let anyone figure out that I was pregnant. Once people began to talk and suspect that I was pregnant, it was almost summer. I told myself, "just a little while longer Emily, you can do it".

Well, that didn't last too long, people found out, including my mother! It was June 2nd my big brother's birthday, and I stayed home from school and my mother once again gave me a test to make sure her assumption was correct. Sure enough it was and we went to the doctor (not sure of how far along I was). I found out I was having a baby within about 6

weeks from that day. My Mom lost it for a few minutes, then she said to me, "Well what are we gonna do?" I had no idea. All I could think about was what my family would think. Are they gonna hate me? How did I let this happen? How did this happen? I thought we were so safe. Am I a slut? I was worried about my Aunt. It was a project for her to have children, and she wanted and deserved them so much, and here I was pregnant by accident at 15. She's gonna hate me I know it, I thought. My mother immediately called my father. He probably freaked but not to me. He always sounded supportive to my face. No one reacted the way I thought they would. My mother was more than supportive (thank goodness for that)! I was so relieved!!!! Soon after, we decided what we where going to do with this innocent life that we were so hopelessly in love with, we were going to do what we knew was the best thing for her (I found out the sex of the baby at my sonogram), and only her. We decided to give her to people who couldn't have children but wanted them and unlike us, can take care of them. We considered my Aunt, you know the one who had trouble getting pregnant, but that was just too close for us. How were we supposed to see her whenever we wanted but she'd never call us mommy and daddy, she'd grow up my cousin, my mother's niece. No, she was our child and my parents were her grandparents? I just couldn't do it. My Aunt and Uncle fully understood and now they even have a little girl of their own!

My boyfriend was having kind of a hard time, but he knew what we had decided was right. He used to sit with me on my bed, rub my belly and say ,"hi princess, this your Daddy and Mommy and we love you more than you can understand right now, but someday you will." It was too cute, and so sad at the same time, tears just rolled down my face. I don't know what I would have done without him, he is my heart and soul! Anyway, we searched through profile after profile, of parents dying for a child to bring into their family. I searched all the time but the time was running out. I had to choose someone because she was almost due! Everyone was pretty proud of us for what we had decided to do about this little one that would soon be here. I wanted so much to keep her and have her with me always, but I knew that could never be. That would have been the most selfish decision I ever could have made for her.

I had to go to school and so did my boyfriend (he was a senior). Finally, school was out and it was time to decide who the lucky couple would be. We found a couple who I really liked, and we called. Unfortunately, they had just adopted a little boy and their hands were full for the moment. However, the woman did say "I have this cousin". I was a little reluctant, but my mother took the number anyway. We called and liked them as much as their cousins (who had given us their number). We had a meeting before the baby was born and I just fell in love! They had already had a little girl who was also adopted and she was absolutely adorable, not at all shy like you sometimes see in little ones. The couple was very normal down to earth which was exactly what I was looking for. However, I did feel money was somewhat important. These people met all the requirements of what I was looking for. It seemed to me that they would raise my daughter just as I would if I could.

We made all the arrangements, and I began to get more scared as the days went on...my due date was June 30, and I didn't have her until July 10th!...a few days before the "mother" I had chosen for my daughter, asked, "so do you have any names you like for the baby?" I thought she'd never ask I was so excited to tell her that we had been calling her Anna Marie for months. I knew they had the right to change her name after she was born, so I didn't think she'd even ask. After I told her the name we had chosen, She said, "You know what? That's a beautiful name, Anna Marie it is!" I could never tell you how excited I was! Anna is my middle name and it was very important to us, especially my boyfriend that she had my name. Soon, too soon, I went into labor about 5:00pm on a Friday evening July 9th...scared out of my mind my mother came home and told me it was time to go to the hospital...this was around midnight. My water broke on the way to the hospital (all over my boyfriend)! We got there and he wheeled me up to the baby & mommy floor, hitting each and every wall on the way with the wheelchair. After I was admitted to the hospital, I got my epidural and fell asleep for a few hours. I woke up and it was time to push... I almost didn't want to even have the baby. I knew once she was out of me it would only be a matter of days until she was gone. About 20 minutes later at exactly 8:25am Saturday, July 10th 1999, my gorgeous little baby girl was born. At 7lbs 6oz. she was perfect.. I let the adoptive mother hold her right away, I don't know why, but I just wanted her to. I was both excited and more sad than I had ever dreamed I could be.

We got to play Mommy and Daddy for 2 days then it was Monday....time to go home. The adoptive family was there for me the whole time and I really felt at ease with them. However, that didn't by any means take my sadness away at all. I carried her out of the hospital that day with my tears all over her face, I kissed her on the cheek, and told her I loved her with all my heart, and that one day she'd understand. I handed her to my boyfriend and he did the same. He was the one to hand her to them. Then we hugged and they assured me that she'd always know where she came from and that would not be the last time we'd see her. Tears were everywhere, my boyfriend and I were beside ourselves with heart ache for a long time after that. We took a lot of pictures in the hospital and didn't ever stop looking at them.

We agreed to monthly pictures and letters. They have kept it up. The agreement is based only on trust not by law. She is beautiful now and just turned a year old. Gosh has it been that long already? I take everyday that goes by as a day closer to the day I'll see her again. I wish to God that all you needed to raise a baby was love because Anna Marie would have been the richest little girl in the world!!!

I hate when people tell me that I'm not a mother. The last time I checked a real mother was someone who gave her child the best she could, no matter how much it hurt her. Well, I know I did that for sure. I know our daughter will understand why we did what we did...and I think she'll even be greatful. Oh, if only love could pay the bills! By the way, I did however lose a few family members due to ignorance. Trust me they won't be missed.

*The baby's name has been changed to protect confidentialality.