teen people article:  part one | part one, cont'd | part two

Adoption Diary - Part One, Continued

17 and pregnant

Wednesday 2/24/99
I talked with Dad and Kris this weekend about how I'm handling things. It was the first time my dad really talked about it. He said having children is an indescribable feeling and that I have no concept of what a loss the adoption will be. I think I'll be able to deal with it. So many other girls do it, so why can't I?

ADOPTION - WHAT TO DO How does a pregnant girl who has decided to carry her baby to term know if adoption is right for her? According to Paige McCoy Smith, outreach manager for the Gladney Center for Adoption, "She should ask herself: 'Can I continue my education and still raise a child? Can I care for this child emotionally and financially?'" She must also consider the consequences of giving up her baby, says Smith. "Is she going to feel confident this was the best decision ten or twenty years down the road?" Girls who decide on adoption Should be prepared for a grieving period. "There's a great deal of sadness," she says. "But there is also reassurance, because [a birth mom] can know her child is in a stable, loving environment and that she made that plan." For more information, call 1-800-GLADNEY.

Tuesday 3/9/99
I haven't written in my journal for such a long time. I've been feeling run-down, physically and emotionally. My AP mom took me out on a picnic the other day. We talked a lot about our families, and we have a lot in common. I really like her. It made me feel a lot more comfortable with my decision.

Monday 3/15/99
I still have a hard time believing I'm making a little person, but I don't really think about being pregnant anymore. Maybe I'm getting used to it. I realize I'm making decisions that are going to affect my entire life, and it kind of scares and excites me. I feel like I'm moving further into adulthood, and I like it.

Thursday 3/18/99
I now understand better than I ever thought possjble that it can happen to you. I guess there are some things you have to learn on your own, but the lessons can be awfully hard. I think back to when I first got pregnant, and sometimes I wish I was the kind of person who could just get an abortion. It would have been so much easier-but I couldn't.

Monday 3/22/99
We have classes on the legal aspects of adoption, grief and loss, and postadoption. It was scary at first, but now I feel more prepared, knowing everything that will happen. We got a copy of the papers we'll have to sign once the baby is born. It was really hard to read them; they're very harsh. I know some birth mothers change their minds about adoption, but I'm still confident in my decision. Boy, I sure miss that time when my biggest worry was the grade on my math test or what to do with my Saturday nights.

Friday 3/26/99
Adoption is such a sweet-and-sour experience. It makes me wonder if all us birth mothers will have a hard time adjusting to the lives we used to live. Sometimes I can see myself giving up and becoming very depressed, and other times I see myself using this experience to become a better person. I just can't predict what will become of me. I don't want to wrap my identity around this experience, but I feel like it's inevitable.

Wednesday 4/7/99
I am so ready to get this baby out of me! I can barely sleep. I wake up five times a night. I got my first stretch mark on my belly, and my back hurts. I feel huge; I just want to wear a pair of regular old jeans again. I can't wait to be able to do the things that I used to take for granted. I have only one more month left, but it seems like an eternity.

CONTINUED...

next: part two