teen people article:  part one | part one, cont'd | part two

Adoption Diary - Part Two

a new LIFE

Reprinted from TEEN PEOPLE magazine
     Published August & September, 1999

By Andrea Richardson, as told to Gabrielle Cosgriff
Photographs by Lisa Means

In Part One of her diary Andrea, now 18, wrote about being pregnant, the heartbreaking decision to give her son up for adoption and meeting her baby's adoptive parents. Here, in Part Two, she faces the challenge of her life.

Wednesday April 21
9:30 P.M.: At the hospital, they said I wasn't dilated enough and sent me back to Gladney [an adoption center and maternity home in Fort Worth]. I wanted to cry. I'd gone through all that pain and excitement, and they said it was false labor. But by 10:30 the pain in my back was so bad, all I could do was curl into a ball and cry. I wanted to die. To help the pain, the evening houseparent at Gladney put me in a hot shower and told me to lean on her with my arms around her shoulders. I stood there for the next hour, scared and sobbing. They took me back to the hospital around midnight.

Thursday, April 22
Early morning: The next few hours were a blur of mind-shattering, unimaginable pain. I thought it was going to rip me in half. At 2:30 A .M., my stepmom, Kris, arrived. I was so relieved to see her, I began to cry. Kris said to think of my pain as my final gift to my baby, and when I did, I found the strength to focus and breathe. But it still hurt like hell. They finally decided to give me the epidural [a shot to numb the lower part of the body]. Within minutes, the pain was gone. The rest of the night I lay in bed and talked with Kris.

8 AM.: My water broke and I started to get frightened. Everything was happening so fast. I began to cry - not from pain, but because I realized my baby was leaving me.

9:56 A.M.: I began to push, and 20 minutes later - at 10:16 A.M. - my precious son was born. He weighed 7 pounds, 15 ounces. It was so incredible! It was truly the happiest moment of my life. I cried tears of joy, which is something I've never done before. They cleaned him up, and then the nurse handed me the most beautiful, perfect baby boy I've ever seen. He lay there peacefully in my arms, wrapped in a soft white blanket. I'll never forget his little face. At that moment I felt a love I'd never, felt before. I love him with all my heart, more than anything, more than life.

Friday, April 23
Morning: I hardly slept last night. I was in a lot of pain, and I just wanted to lie awake thinking about my beautiful baby boy. This morning, his adoptive mother and her four-year-old son came to visit. It was hard for me, but I let her hold him. When I watched her sit with my baby in her arms and her son in her lap, I knew I'd made the right decision. They left, and I spent the next few hours alone with him. I didn't want to put him down for a second.

Afternoon: It was hard to leave the hospital without my baby. He'll stay with a transitional care mom for a few days and come for visits at the center's nursery. As soon as I got back to Gladney, I began to cry. I've never missed anyone so much in my life.

Saturday, April 24
I recently learned how to crochet from one of the girls at Gladney, and I've decided to make my son a baby blanket. I don't know if I can finish it in time for his family placement on Tuesday, but all I did today was crochet and think of him.

"IT WAS HARD TO LEAVE THE HOSPITAL WITHOUT MY BABY…AS SOON AS I GOT BACK TO GLADNEY, I BEGAN TO CRY. I'VE NEVER MISSED ANYONE SO MUCH IN MY LIFE."

Sunday, April 25
Morning: I went for a nursery visit with my mom, who flew in from a business trip in Seattle, and my brother, Jason, and his girlfriend, Brooke. I let everyone hold the baby, which was really strange. My family holding my baby: That's something I didn't expect would happen for years. My mom had to catch a flight back to Seattle and we wanted to have lunch, so we had to leave. My baby was crying from gas pains, and I hated to leave him like that. It made me so sad to see him suffer.

Afternoon: Lunch was really nice, and I felt closer to my mom than I ever have. I could tell it was hard for her; I know she wanted to stay and comfort me the same way I had wanted to stay and comfort my son.

Monday, April 26
I signed my legal papers giving up all parental rights today. My mind was in a daze all morning. They made me sit and read the papers, then asked me questions to make sure I understood. After I signed, I felt proud of myself-I also felt a huge relief. It was almost over.

I spent the next few hours in the Gladney nursery, lying on the couch with my arms around my son, as he lay on my tummy asleep. I was exhausted. I nodded off for about 30 minutes, until his crying woke me. I fed him a bottle, and he fell back asleep. Not long after, the transitional care mom came to take him. I didn't want to let him go. Tonight, for the first time, I'm beginning to realize my loss. Placement is tomorrow. I hope I have the strength to go through with it.

Tuesday, April 27
Morning: I crocheted till the early hours this morning, slept a little, then crocheted some more. I finished his blanket just in time, went to the nursery, wrapped him in it and held him close. My best friend, Hattie Linkenfelter, came to see my sweet baby, which meant a lot to me. And then, for the last time, I spent an hour alone with him. I could barely hold myself together.

Afternoon: Kris arrived, and it was time to head over to the placement room. My whole body felt weak, and I didn't know if I could walk. I wrapped him in his blanket and held him close. I tried to control my shaking as I stood in front of the door, clutching my baby's warm little body to my chest, tears rolling down my face. I gathered my strength and walked through the doorway. I gave him one last hug and placed him in the loving arms of his new mother. All I could do was cry.

Her son stroked the baby's little hand, and he opened his eyes and saw his big brother. His parents gave me a beautiful, heart-shaped locket. They told me that they'd decided to name the baby Michael Nathan. My father's name is Michael and my brother is Nathan, which is a nice coincidence. I cut off a small piece of Michael's strawberry-blond hair and put it in the locket. They told me that I'd given them the greatest gift, and that Michael will always know how much I loved him. I hugged them, and we took pictures. Then I kissed Michael's forehead, turned, and left the room. I felt that if I didn't leave then, I wouldn't be able to leave at all.

Evening: The day I had been dreading for months was finally over. I was a regular teen again. Kris and I went to the park and then to Chili's for dinner. We talked about college, relationships and the future. We looked at pictures from the hospital, and instead of crying, I laughed. I felt so great about everything. I'd given my son a life, and I'd given a family a new baby. Back at the dorm. I told the girls about everything, then went up to my room and slept for the rest of the night.

Friday, April 30
The last few days I spent most of my time crying. Reality has set in, and the grief has been overwhelming. But I made it through the hardest day of my life, and that feels good.

Sunday, May 9
Today is Mother's Day. I opened my card from my baby's parents. It was very sweet and made me feel great because I know that Michael has such loving parents. I came home for the weekend, and my dad told me that I couldn't have handled things better, which made me feel great.

Thursday, May 13
I moved back home for good today. After living at Gladney for seven months, I'll miss the place and so many of the people there. It has been three weeks since I had Michael. Physically, I'm almost back to normal. I can fit into my jeans, and I'm slowly adjusting to regular life.

Friday, May 14
Everything has turned out so much better than I ever thought possible. I still have good days and bad days, but overall I'm going to be fine. I'll be in summer school until June 4, when I get my diploma, and I'm applying to colleges this weekend. I think about Michael all the time, but now it brings a smile to my face. I know he'll always be loved, and that he'll always know how much I loved him.

THE END